Posted by jennifer gibson on Tuesday, May 21, 2013
You know you're on the edge of a sheer cliff when everything seems like it's falling to pieces.  Standing on that precipice of life is scary as hell. It can catch you by surprise especially after a long build up of difficult experiences.  All it takes is one tiny moment for everything to come crashing down. 

People with disabilities, especially those with a severe hearing loss will know exactly what I'm talking about here.  Childhood trauma can often rear it's ugly head at the most unexpected moments.  It can be the most innocent thing that sets it off.  It was a sweet kitten that sent me down to my knees crying.  I'm talking inconsolable sobbing that nearly ripped my heart to pieces. 

Someone had left this adorable creature on the side of road on a bitterly cold and wet night, it was weak and malnorished, clearly needing to be rescued.  It was all alone. How can anyone cast it aside like that? Why would they reject something so beautiful? As I held in my hands, I was hit by a sudden wall of sadness. It was like I was overwhelmed with intense despair and filled with ice cold fear.  It was so powerful that I couldn't shake it, it was as if a part of me had died.  I had no idea why it was happening.

It wasn't a particular incident or person that set it off like this, it was a gradual accumulation of so many things happening in my life.  I have been through a lot, it's evident when you read my books.  However, this past year has been particularly distressing which shook my faith to the core.  Being so broke with just enough change to buy a cup of coffee was rock bottom for me.  The timing couldn't have come at a worst time. 

The dam broke when I was sitting at the table during a recent holiday meal when it dawned on me that I could no longer follow all. This was due to the fairly recent hearing loss in my right ear which is now deaf.  I wanted to be a part of the group but had no way of engaging in the discussion, too much information was being rapidly exchanged.  I simply couldn't keep up.  At that moment I felt incredibly excluded and alone.  I was like a square peg in a round hole - I didn't fit in.

Ironically, it was a trigger, a huge one.  This felt exactly like it did when I was a young kid.  Back then it didn't matter what I did or said, I seemed to make things so much worse.  I didn't know why.  All I knew was that I was different, that I didn't really fit in the society like everyone else.  I wasn't normal.  I'd felt rudely cast aside. And alone. 

It was happening again.  Being surrounded by people who had children and grand kids when I virtually had no one standing by my side. I was alone, again.  Just like that tiny helpless kitten.  At that moment, it was as if everything came full circle.  I started to doubt myself and became incredibly insecure.  My life was falling to pieces and I was scrambling to catch them and failing miserably. 

Then I realized that I had to look deep within myself and decide how to change my life.  Now I know that I have to head in a new direction, towards the future instead of the past.  It's not going to be easy but it has to be done so that I can find the real me. 

Just like Sam & Dean, I need to hop into the Impala, okay...I confess, my crappy car and hit the road.  I don't know where it'll take me but at least there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

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